Preface: My Story
This is the preface in my book, Transplanted: How to Rest in Your Walk with Jesus.
Where do I start? I mean, I spent most of my life in a struggle.
Struggle to be right. Struggle to do right. Struggle to please God.
I wanted so desperately for Him to be pleased with me and approve of me and my behavior. I knew that He loved me no matter what. But I didn’t want to grieve Him with my poor choices.
I wanted to be sure I was a good representative of His Name on the earth to unbelievers. I wanted to be sure my life reflected Him in such a way that He would have a good reputation.
I wanted to be effective in ministry - ministry to unbelievers by bringing them to Jesus, as well as to believers who were struggling. I knew I would make mistakes and God would forgive me, but I wanted to continue to be better and be more effective in the Kingdom.
As I read back over my journals from the past 30 years, I saw a trend. I struggled in a few very specific areas. I was always trying to problem-solve how to overcome my struggles. I was always asking God to help me do better and be better. I was constantly frustrated as I looked at my life and saw the reality of my failures and shortcomings. I was frustrated with who I was today versus who I envisioned I should be.
What was I comparing myself to? If I’m honest with myself, I was comparing myself with a perfect version of myself. In the very deepest places of my being, I really would never be happy with anything less than perfection. After all, Matthew 5:48 says, “Therefore you shall be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”
My chronic struggles were no different than many others. I struggled with self-control and consistency. My mother often told me, “People do what they want to do.” That was a hard saying for me because I felt like no matter how hard I tried, I could not make the habits I wanted.
I felt stuck in my eating habits, exercise habits, spiritual habits, and financial habits. I drove myself nutty trying to find ways to stay consistent in every area of my life.
My body learned early in life that I could numb emotional pain with food. My conscious brain wasn’t aware of what was happening, but after studying the subject in a book called, The Sugar Addict’s Total Recovery Program, by Kathleen DesMaisons, I learned that my body ate certain foods for a purpose. Sugar produced endorphins to help soothe my emotional stress. I read how some people have a sugar sensitivity they are born with and even went through her step-by-step program. I was sugar free for 90 days. Once. I prayed and prayed for God to help me in this area. I never experienced long-term freedom.
I would exercise every day for a few months, and then stop. I ran long-distance for a couple years and loved it. Other things crept in. I continued to pray and pray for God to help me in this area, but I never experienced long-term freedom.
I would spend dedicated time in the Bible or talking to Jesus and then fall off the wagon. I continued to pray and pray for God to help me in this area, but I never experienced long-term victory.
I have always felt guilty about how I have managed my finances. I have a standard for how I think it should look, and I never matched up. I continued to spend and not save. I disappointed myself repeatedly with the decisions I made. I continued to pray and pray for God to help me in this area, but I never experienced long-term victory.
Another chronic struggle for me was trying to accomplish the massive number of things I put on my to-do list. I found myself constantly seeking a healthy balance for how I spent my time. I thought if I correctly balanced exercise, personal time with Jesus, work, homeschooling, serving at my local church, and relationships I would find peace and joy. I never seemed to get it quite right and I never felt content or satisfied when I gave myself what we could call ‘Performance Reviews’.
How could I be the most-godly wife? The Proverbs 31 woman did WHAT? How could I ever measure up to that? It must be possible, or it wouldn’t be in the Bible.
I wanted so desperately to be the meek, quiet, loving wife who empowered my husband to be the leader God had designed for him to be.
But I was not meek (according to my understanding of the word) or quiet. I was not successful in empowering my husband to be a leader. I was outspoken. I was a visionary. I had ideas about what we should do and where we should go! I took charge.
And as for my mothering, I played the comparison game. My friend over here does those things with her kids. I need to start doing that! And this one is successful with her kids this way? I need to start doing that, too!
I wanted so desperately to be the kind of mother that would raise children who would love the Lord. I wanted my kids to grow up without trauma or hang-ups. I was told it wasn’t possible, as we are all humans, but when someone tells me something isn’t possible, for some reason I feel the need to prove them wrong.
Oh, did I mention I struggled with anxiety and depression too? How could a Christian who loves Jesus, attends and serves in her local church, knows her Bible, prays, and works through old traumas with counseling, struggle with anxiety and depression? How could a Christian who TRUSTS JESUS have anxiety? Isn’t anxiety the result of worry? How could I be worried or depressed? I believed what the Bible says about victory and strength and the power of the cross! I must not be reading the Bible enough because the Word of God (the Bible, they say) is the Bread of Life, our spiritual nourishment. I must not be praying enough or trusting enough. How could I be depressed when I had so much to be thankful for?
The constant striving was exhausting, so I would give myself breaks from trying so hard, but my disappointment in myself never took a break. When my guilt would pile up heavy enough, I would begin again, working so hard to find solutions to overcome my struggles. I would memorize and recite Scriptures, you know, because there is power in the Word of God (the Bible). I would try so hard to put my solutions into practice, because I am a problem solver! I would experience short-term victories, but nothing ever stuck.
God promises victory! Where is my victory? God promises to be our strength! Where was my strength? In all of this struggling I could not find joy. I searched the Scriptures from cover to cover looking for how a believer can find Joy. I remember coming away from that in-depth study with the idea that being in the Word of God (the Bible) was what brought Joy. I read my Bible, but did not experience joy. It felt like more failure.
Let me tell you a little history for some context. I spent from age 4 to age 19 in an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church. By age 14, I was in church every time the doors were open. I attended Sunday School, adult choir practice, Sunday morning service, stayed all afternoon for the Puppet Ministry practices, practiced with the orchestra, attended Sunday evening service, and then youth fellowship at the youth pastor’s parsonage. I was a Junior Youth Leader and attended all the work projects and youth events I could.
I re-dedicated my life to Christ at every summer camp, I memorized the prescribed list of Bible verses so I could recite them all at the end of the year. I dutifully completed my daily devotions, even if that meant reading all of them the night before youth meeting, when the leaders checked our devotion books. In the summers, I visited the nursing homes every Thursday morning with the church’s nursing home ministry. I sang in every Easter and Christmas cantata, performed in every skit and musical, and attended every New Year’s Eve service to ‘pray in the new year’.
An avid learner, I took notes during the sermon. I heard the Salvation Message at least every week for 14 years and was admonished to evangelize. I was like a little car salesman, pressuring the kids at school to pray the ‘Sinner’s Prayer’.
I homeschooled for high school, so in addition to all the learning at church, I completed Bible classes such as Church History and Surveys of the Old and New Testaments.
During my upbringing, I went down to the altar numerous times, feeling the heavy weight of conviction pointing out the sin in my life. I was very conscientious to pray every night, confessing my sins one by one to the Lord and ending each prayer with, “and please forgive me for anything I forgot or of which I was unaware.” It was very important for me to do this because I knew that if there was sin in my life, God would be unable to hear my prayers. Sin, left unconfessed, would pile up in the way of my communication with God.
I also knew that punishment was required for disobeying my parents. I experienced heavy guilt for any wrongdoings and was sure to confess my disobedience so I could be punished. Afterward I felt my guilt lifted, and I would feel clean, like I had a fresh start with my parents and with God.
I can honestly say that I do not ever remember lying to my parents or purposefully disobeying them. I did my very best to do everything I could to win their approval and be ‘right’. It was of utmost importance for me to do everything God required of me so I would be pleasing to Him. I heard songs with lyrics like, “Does He still feel the nails every time I fail?”1 I knew that it hurt God when I sinned.
I also knew that in addition to obedience, it was vital to do good works with the right heart attitude because if I had any selfish motives, a good deed wouldn’t count. I struggled with this concept because I never felt sure that my motivations were 100% pure and unselfish.
As an adult, having moved a lot as a military member and then military spouse, I attended many different churches: a Southern Baptist church, Assembly of God churches, non-denominational churches, an Evangelical Free church, two Vineyard churches, and a Foursquare church. In each establishment, the Lord used sermons, Bible studies, and relationships to teach me amazing things. In each location, I grew in my walk with Jesus.
In 2019, I attended a 12-week study. God used Established in Christ: Discipleship Course 101, written and taught by Heather Joy Zelch, to open my eyes and reveal His truth to me. God used the content to reveal new truths about Himself to me, change my mind (repentance), and as a result, my life has been forever and radically changed. Some sections of this book were inspired by what I learned in her study. These are cited in the Endnotes.
After moving to Costa Rica, I took a Sabbatical from my hectic, busy lifestyle and service in church. From 2021-2023, I spent much time in the presence of God, wrestling with Him as I studied the Bible.
The result of all God has revealed to me is peaceful rest, joy, freedom, and victory. The longing of my heart is for you to experience the fullness of all God has accomplished for you, in you, and continues to accomplish through you, so you too can experience the benefits of your heart being transplanted in truth.
As I wrote this book, the picture in my mind’s eye was that of a beautiful weeping willow tree, its roots drawing water from the river, on the riverbank, where it is growing.
I kept hearing the passage from Psalm 1 that says,
“He will be like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.”
We see this again in Jeremiah 17:7-8.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose trust is the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water that extends its roots by a stream, and does not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought, nor cease to yield fruit.”
In both passages, the word, ‘planted’, is the Hebrew word, ‘shathal’, which means, ‘transplanted’.
What a beautiful picture! We who trust in the Lord, and not in men, are transplanted. Have you ever transplanted anything? It is done ever so carefully. The original dirt surrounding the roots cannot be disturbed. God lovingly, and ever-so-gently scooped me up out of my misunderstanding and transplanted me beside the Living Water (Jesus), so my roots could suck up the nutrients of His truth, and I could flourish and produce fruit.
I pray, that as you study through this book, you will be transplanted from a place of misunderstanding into a place of more fully understanding, so that your life of struggle and strain will become a life of effortlessly producing fruit. Then you will experience the freedom and victory, in this life, you’ve already been given.
Do you relate to any portion of my story? I’d love to hear your thoughts! Leave a comment.
